I hit a low point, no doubt about it. I knew going in this would be hard and stressful, but yet somehow it's still hitting me in ways that suprrise me. The grief and fear come in new ways every day.
I'm working on dealing with it, though. Trying to choose hope. I haven't bought anything for the baby. I just can't bring myself to. But I have been knitting like crazy, which keeps my hands busy and my mind occupied. And also helps keep me awake in front of the TV at night. If I didn't have something to do, I'd be sound asleep by 8:30 every night.
We had another doctor's appointment. Little Buddy is growing right on track - well, actually he's growing a bit ahead of schedule. It's a relief, because if we have to deliver early, the bigger he is, I think the better chance that he'll make it.
I cry with relief at every doctor's appointment, when we see Little Buddy or hear his heartbeat. My perinatologist is amazing and supportive, and had me crying again when he said "No one should go through what you've been through. I am going to do everything in my power to make sure this baby is born alive." It meant so much to me, to feel like he was invested in our little guy.
Then we looked at the ultrasound some more, and I swear I heard the doctor say "Your baby is cute."
My husband swears he didn't say that, and that it would be weird for a doctor to comment on the cuteness of our child. But I think our baby is probably just that cute.